Page 38 - You can't Make This Shit Up!

Exercise
November 20, 2017
“I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars”. -Erma Bombeck
When I was a kid, my mom had a leucite plaque in the kitchen that said “you can’t lose weight by talking about it, you have to keep your mouth shut”. I only started to really put on weight when I really started to diet. I am clearly in a HUGE fight with my metabolism.
Some people have a five or ten pound battle throughout their lives. I have a forty or fifty pound one. I am either all in, going to tennis daily, saunas, treadmills, Pilates, and nightly walks. Flip side, binge watching Netflix and having an intimate relationship with all things Pepperidge farms.
I am a TERRIBLE exerciser. This is a fact. I once took a zumba class and the instructor stopped in the middle and asked me to move to the back because I was confusing the people around me. She went left, I would go right. I went to the back of the room, saw the door, left and never went back.
I had a bike once. I liked going on rides. That was until I was in the bike crash of 2007. I was on my super cute light blue beach cruiser, riding down a hill. I heard a car behind me so I “tried” to get up on the sidewalk, but my tire side swiped the curb, and I went flying over the handlebars. I put my hands our to protect my head (no helmet) and ended up breaking my right wrist, elbow and fractured my shoulder.
The bike incident was so traumatic that when “friends” talked me into taking a spin class years later, it did NOT go well.
I went with my neighbors, so I was picked up and driven to the class. It was about a half mile from home. The class was in a pretty dark room. There was a mirrored wall on one side that basically blocked all light from entering the dungeon, or spin room, whatever you call that place. So I picked a bike and the peddles had locks on them. Barbaric and pretty sadistic if you ask me. I just placed my converse sneakers on TOP of the lock things and the class began. I was about 3 bikes from the wall, so basically more or less in the middle of the room. The music came on, and we went up, and we went down and we pedaled our little hearts out. I was sweating and could hardly breathe, about 7 minutes in when the instructor said, “ok, good warm up, let’s do this”, and proceeded to basically jump up and down on her stationary bike. Everyone else began to follow, but when I went to stand the peddle spun and the bike almost fell over. There was no going back, the anxiety attack had begun. My mouth went dry, I couldn’t see and breathing was not an option. I couldn’t get off the bike without making the cyclist next to me stop the crazy fast spinning, so I went backwards off the bike (you can just imagine how gracefully I did that). I got to the front of the class, jammed out the door and into the parking lot. I still wasn’t breathing and my mom always taught me that if you feel like you are going to pass out, get to the ground. I saw that there were a few open parking places on the side, and I laid down with my head on the cement
curb. Remember how I said one wall was a mirror? Well, apparently when the lights went on and I was outside, EVERYONE in the class could see me. I was just laying in the parking lot, minding my own business when this spandex clad man, with cycling shoes came running over to me. This of course caused more people in the shopping center to see me, and before I knew it there were about 4 people standing