Page 18 - You can't Make This Shit Up!

Time
July 26, 2017
“The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed” – Anonymous
I clearly remember coming home from the hospital with our first baby. Skee and I placed her on our bed. We looked at one another and shrugged our shoulders. We had no idea what to do or how to do it. And we soon learned, NO ONE does.
There was a nifty book called “what to expect when you are expecting”, that I read daily. I knew when my fetus got eyes, and fingers, and even toe nails. It outlined every single month and what exactly was to be expected. Then once that baby was fully cooked and came into our world, there no longer was a day by day handbook.
Here are the things that are NOT in a handy dandy book. What to do when your newborn has a blowout diaper on an airplane. We were smart enough to have a change of clothing for the baby, but not so smart to have one for ourselves. It was a 2 hour flight. It was unpleasant.
Oh and those silicone packets that are in shoe boxes. Yeah, toddlers won’t die when they eat those. You are welcome.
Your child, boy or girl, will give themselves a self-induced haircut at some point. Maybe more than one. Hair grows back.
Dirt is not fatal, nor are snails found in the yard, or ants. Just so you know. And you will know.
Meals with more than 4 ingredients only take additional time and effort. Keep it simple. Buttered noodles got standing ovations when I put them on the table. Filet mignon with garlic butter and mashed sweet potatoes were booed. It is what it is.
Don’t spend a fortune on kids clothing. A kids job is to get stained and dirty, and rip the knees on jeans.
There is only one way to get spilled nail polish out of the brand new carpet in your teenagers room. scissors.
Start every school year off over prepared. Getting a running start makes May and June so much easier when you literally are so burnt out that you pack bacon in a ziplock for your kids lunch.
Remember to keep a sense of humor in times of crisis. tragedy plus time equals comedy. The days are long but the years are short. Enjoy the wonderment of it all.