Page 51 - You can't Make This Shit Up!

Rent-a-Yent-a
January 17, 2018
Jewish Mother: Definition... An unstoppable force of nature that will feed you, pamper you, and pester you at the slightest provocation.
I am fairly certain I am sitting on a gold mine. I am even toying with the idea of going on the tv show “shark tank” with this idea. You, my faithful readers, will get to hear it here first. I am going to start a “Rent-a-Yent-a business.
“What”? “Really”? “Why didn’t I think of that”? I know, I know, you all are now on the very edges of your seats. What is this rent-a-yent-a that Alli speaks of? How do I learn more? Where do I sign up?
Well, I am going to tell you my plan. There are three separate levels to my rent-a-yent-a business. I will offer some “Jewish mother” packages...
Package one: Give me the baby. Give me the baby. Give me the baby.
Need a baby shower gift that will blow the recipient out of the water? Anyone can wrap up a sweet layette, or buy “essentials” off a baby registry. But... What if you could have a Jewish momma for a whole day?
Let me paint the picture. You awake to the sound of your washing machine going. What is that smell? That would be toast and eggs being whipped up. Sit back, relax, mama is here.
Bath water running and candles are being lit. Climb in sweetheart, you deserve it your delicious peach. Give me the baby. I am taking him/her/them on a long walk to fill their baby lungs with fresh air. What will you be doing? Soaking in the tub. Or reading a book. How about a nap?
Upon our return from our walk, dinner will be prepped. Casserole anyone? And a glass of wine being poured for you. It will relax you and help with your milk production. Let me straighten up a bit and then come rub your head. It is truly the gift of love.
Price: Priceless but can be negotiated
Package Two: I am sick!!! I need my mama!!!
Under the weather? Call on your rent-a-yent-a. Don’t drive around getting all those cough elixirs and epsom salts. I got it. Just lay your sweet head down, and relax. Chicken matzoh ball soup is on its way. The house will fill with the rich aroma love in the soup pot. Jewish penicillin. The cure-all.
Let me change your sheets, and freshen your bed. Go, take a shower, and then come drink your orange juice. It is SO important to push the fluids through you. Come on, one more sip.