Page 56 - You can't Make This Shit Up!

T.P.
February 6, 2018
“Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.” -Groucho Marx
I assume every family has “family stories”. We have a ton of them. I was actually shocked the other day when I was telling what I thought was a “family story” to one of my girls and she said she had never heard it before. So here is one about Skee. My husband. The man. The myth. The one who passed on the “no sarcasm gene” to two of my three girls.
Many many many years ago, in a town far far away, Skee and I were living in sin. Unmarried that is. We had a 650 square foot, one bedroom, one bath brownstone. The kitchen was so small (how small was it)? It was literally so small we had to move the tiny kitchen table we had to open the refrigerator. So small we had to go outside to change our minds. But seriously, it was tiny.
We decided it was time to move and get married and have kids. Adult stuff. So we packed up that tiny space and all of the sudden Skee starts making piles of rolls of toilet paper he is finding. A six pack of tp under the sink. Several rolls on the top of our closet. A costco case in the hall closet. All and all, and I still remember the number, we had...wait for it...76 rolls of Charmin in our tiny little space. Two people and a pallet of toilet paper. True story.
What? No way? Why?
Well, that is what Skee was asking. To first defend myself, if you have EVER run out of tp, it is
terrible. Happened to me once, and NEVER AGAIN! So yes, excessive. And yes, it took up about 635 feet of our 650 foot space. My mom also instilled in me to buy Charmin toilet paper whenever it went on sale. Truth is, I didn’t really have any credible excuse for the copious amount of tp, and so I decided to spin a web. Skee is beyond gullible. I could write at least half a dozen blogs that no one would believe, and he would. But this is all true. So here is what I said.
He wouldn’t stop making fun of me. Telling our friends. Making jokes. So I told him I was going to let him in on a little secret. One only women know, and NO men. And I made him SWARE he would NEVER tell anyone.
I told Skee, and he believes me to this day, that woman NEED toilet paper more than men because... ready?
Woman sit to use the toilet, and when we poop, since we are sitting, it splashes. I told Skee (and again, he believed me) that women wrap their poops in toilet paper and then gently set them into the water, as to avoid any splashing. And that my friends, justified all those rolls! He was like “oh, no way, sorry Alli, I didn’t know”.
Don’t tell him I told you. I just unloaded 2 cases of toilet paper in the garage, and he winked at me. Can’t make this chit up people.